How to Get Kids to Listen

Getting kids to listen— it’s one of the biggest frustrations of parenting. This really is one of the number one questions we ask as parents, teachers, and adults who interact with children on a regular basis.

You ask, you suggest, you demand–nothing. You try rewards, charts, punishments–doesn’t work. 

Children Listening

What is that, actually? 

What listening really is:

Webster’s tells us listening is

1. to pay attention to sound (listen to music)

2. to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration (listen to a plea)

3. to be alert to catch an expected sound (listen for his step)

Parents are shooting for the second most of the time: they want their children to listen with attention. They’d also, if they’re being honest, want kids to pay attention to their parents’ words as well as to be alert to catching an unexpected comment. All may be a little ambitious to expect, depending on how old the child is.

What does it mean for kids to listen?

When most adults talk about kids listening, they could mean one of several things:

1. Paying attention to what the adults are saying

2. LOOKING like they’re paying attention to what the adults are saying

3. Seeming to approach doing what the adults say

4. And, most frequently, doing what the adults say

What does it mean for kids to listen?

My official position on this is that kids often ARE actually listening. I would argue they’re listening ALL the time. I believe you know this is true. They listen to and remember seemingly everything adults are saying. And they’re likely to repeat it at the worst possible time. 

So it’s helpful for us to decide on a couple different approaches: 

1. Teaching children to attend to us

2. Making it more likely for children to do what we’re saying

How to get kids to listen to parents

To be sure your children are attending:

1. Slow down

2. Get on their level

3. Say what you want them to hear

4. Watch and/or listen for confirmation

How to get your toddler to listen

Really young children need a little extra time, and probably fewer words than you’re used to using. This holds true for helping them pay attention and give consideration to what you’re telling them AND for getting them to comply with your instructions. Make sure you’re giving THEM your full attention, turn to them, let them know what you expect them to do, and help them do it if they need the support.

Teaching Toddlers to Listen

Depending on the toddler, you may need to stay close and give them help to comply with what you’re asking them to do. Try seeing this as a teaching opportunity, vs. a need to punish.

How to get children to listen

If your children are a bit older, they’re more able to attend and also to comply with what you’re asking. To increase your chances for success and reduce the likelihood of frustration, you should devote 100% of your intention to engaging their full attention. Stop what you’re doing, get on their level (whatever their height!), and make eye contact with them. Don’t get into a power struggle about their meeting your gaze, just say what you have to say, and watch or listen for confirmation. Again, don’t get into a power struggle about their verbalizing a consent, if you see that they heard you that’s probably enough. Remember how they’re always listening? 

For older kids, give them more responsibility for complying with what you’re asking them to do. If there’s a natural consequence, let it happen. 

Could you use a bit more info?

If you want more information on helping your kids listen AND to comply with what you’re saying, check out our parenting course, Parenting with Purpose. It’s an online course you can take at your convenience. I teach you the tools I’ve learned as a child therapist, so you can use them on purpose to make your parenting feel more effective and help you be more connected to your children.