How to Stop Back Talk
Kids Talking Back
How do we stop this behavior? It can be rude, defiant, disrespectful, and seriously hard to handle. You may find yourself irritated, angry, and frankly at a loss about how to stop it.
Examples of talking back to parents
Talking back to parents can look like:
Refusing to do what you’re asking them to do
Questioning why they should have to do something
Arguing with your reasons about the limit
Ignoring your request (not actually talking, but still challenging your authority)
All kinds of non-verbal protests like eye rolling, turning away, continuing to do what they’re doing, and heavy sighs (again, not actually TALKING BACK, but definitely non-compliant)
Child acting out
Here’s what I know from years of being a child therapist: every kid acts out sometimes, and it’s no reflection of how “good” or “bad” their parents are. It’s not even indicative of a child’s being “good” or “bad.” It just happens.
As parents, we have so much responsibility and so little actual control. It’s the perfect setup for power struggles.
Why is my child acting out?
It’s important to remember that your child isn’t abnormal when they act out. It’s part of their jobs as they’re growing up, to test the limits and to understand where they stand. It doesn’t mean they don’t know right from wrong, it means they’re learning these important lessons, and they need us to help them. I know this is a different way of looking at misbehavior, but when we think of our children as purposefully choosing to misbehave, we tend to think of punishing them. Looking at their acting out as a learning process can set us up to support their learning.
Another, alternative way to view acting out is to look for the message behind the behavior. As a child therapist, I see lots of behaviors in the therapy room and have learned how to see beyond it to what’s happening for the child. I care so much about passing on this important knowledge to parents that I included it in a parent workshop. Find out more about that in our online workshop, What Child Therapists Want (All) Parents to Know.
Why is my child so defiant?
We tend to meet power struggles head on. They say no, we say yes. They nope, we say yep. They yell no, and we shout yes. I can guarantee you that kids don’t want to be in trouble, but when we dig in, they do get undivided attention (even though it’s not positive attention). They love to know what to expect, even if they don’t love that it goes badly.
Sometimes these patterns of interacting around power struggles get really ingrained, and can lead to bigger behavior challenges and louder defiance–it can cycle over and over. Relationships and families struggle. In a nutshell, when we shift the way we interact with our kids when they’re acting out, we can change the pattern. There’s another way. Let’s talk about that.
Example: 4-year-old talking back
Let’s say your four-year-old never wants to brush his teeth. You keep telling him to do it, and he keeps refusing. You can shift it from a nightly argument to something that’s happening more often than not.
Here are some ideas:
Don’t argue. It’s only a power struggle when you’re both struggling. If you’ve said what you need to about the limit, and your child keeps talking back, repeat the limit and refuse to engage in conversations or questions about why your child needs to do it.
“I know you don’t want to brush your teeth, and you need to do it. As soon as you’re done, we can read books together!” When he talks back (“I hate to brush my teeth,” “why do I have to brush my teeth?” “I won’t brush my teeth!”) resist the urge to argue and convince. Repeat the expectation: “It’s time to brush your teeth! As soon as you do, we can read books!
If you can’t physically control the behavior, don’t try to. Redirect it. Example: you can tell your child they can’t yell at you, but you can’t physically stop them. So if they’re talking back in a disrespectful way, tell them that you’re not for talking to that way and if they can’t stop, they can say those words to their bear (or to the mirror or after you leave the room).
Give them choices about what they’re resisting that are okay with you. “Do you want to brush your teeth in two minutes or in five minutes?” or ‘with your blue toothbrush or your orange one?”–you get the idea. Pro tip: start the routine with this offer. Don’t wait for the argument/the back talk to start.
Wishing you had more ideas?
If you want more information on helping your kids listen AND to comply with what you’re saying, check out our parenting course, Parenting with Purpose. It’s an online course you can take at your convenience. I teach you the tools I’ve learned as a child therapist, so you can use them on purpose to make your parenting feel more effective and help you be more connected to your children.