How Empathy Helps Children
What Houston Play Therapists Know About Your Child’s Feelings, and How You Can Learn It, Too
Kids and Feelings: What Houston Play Therapists Know
Most of the time, when something goes wrong at school or at home, big feelings are a big part of the reason. Anger, fear, frustration, disappointment, and sadness–any or all of these can show up and derail what was a previously smooth day. Big emotions and little kids can be a tricky combination. When parents feel the pressure to get everybody where they need to be on time, they can experience their own big feelings, too. When a tantrum erupts just as it’s time to get in the car, a very understandable parent response is to blow up, too, and then things really go downhill.
Helping Houston Parents: Your Child’s Feelings Don’t Have to be Yours
You do know that you should stay calm and respond to the situation with control (vs. reacting and matching your child’s emotional level). But in the heat of the moment that can be hard to achieve. Here are some ideas that will help, and how they work.
First, stop and observe your child for a moment. This does a couple things: it helps you stop and breathe, and you can then tune into what’s happening for your child. Knowledge is your first step toward helping.
Second, decide what you think your child is feeling. Are they screaming, but they really look exhausted? Maybe they’re refusing to put on their socks but their face has a sad expression. Kids can show us how they’re feeling in all kinds of ways, and unfortunately a lot of those ways look like noncompliance, or being “bad.”
Third, tell your child how they’re feeling. Like this: “you look tired,” or “you seem sad.” Say it like you get it. Your expression and your tone of voice should match their feeling (this is a cornerstone of empathy). Then stop talking. Don’t ask them if they’re feeling that way. Don’t try to fix the situation or cheer them up. Don’t offer a distraction. Say out loud how they’re feeling, say it like you care, and just be with them in that moment.
How Will Telling My Child How They Feel Help?
We’ll be honest, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it helps right away. Your child may give no indication that they’ve even heard you (but we bet they have absolutely heard you). They may raise the volume: “YES, I’M MAD!!!” They might not (and probably won’t) stop and say, “thanks, Dad, for understanding my feelings. You’re right, and I’ll put my socks on right now so we can get to school on time.”
But what will absolutely happen is that your child will get that you’re with them in that moment. That you care about how they’re feeling, and that they don’t have to keep protesting, screaming, or whatever else they’re doing to convince you to believe that they’re feeling what they’re feeling. Another key way empathy works is to let humans know that we’re not bad for feeling the way we do. And who better to deserve this than our children?
Another benefit of telling kids how they’re feeling is that they start to be able to recognize their own emotions. And to manage them, we need to recognize them, and to be able to understand what we need and how to get help if we need it.
But They Still Won’t Do What I Want Them To!!
Yep, they may not. And your acknowledging how they’re feeling doesn’t mean that you are responsible for solving their problems, or that you agree with them, or that you have to make them happy. They still need to follow the rules, and you still need to remind them of them. But if you’re on the same page, it can make it easier for everybody.
Here Are Some Other Things Houston Play Therapists Know About Acknowledging Kids’ Feelings
Empathy is the key way to help our kids avoid shame, which is feeling like they’re not good enough. This is huge, and something every parent wants for their child.
Validating feelings helps children get and stay more regulated. Dysregulation is what you’re looking at when you’re watching the tantrum or looping arguments. It’s not misbehavior for the sake of being bad, it’s the inability to get it together.
Acknowledging feelings can make them smaller, not bigger. Sometimes we worry we will make our kids more upset by talking about their feelings. The volume might go up, but if the feeling’s there, talking about it will diminish its power, now introduce upset.
Every parent who comes to us, whether their child is in play therapy or not, gets the homework assignment to listen to and reflect back what their child is feeling. It can seem like an absurdly simplistic way to tackle an insurmountable problem. But really, it’s the foundation for connecting with your child, helping them feel heard, getting them back to regulation, and your family back on track. It really is that simple and that powerful.
If you worry that your child has feelings that are unmanageable and out of your scope to help, let us know. It may be that play therapy can help, or we can teach you the skills play therapists use to help kids. If you’re in Houston, we’re seeing families in person and providing virtual appointments too. Give us a call at (713) 936-0633. We can get you on the calendar for an appointment or a free phone consultation so you can get some of your questions answered.