How Empathy Helps Children, Part 2
This is the second in a series about how talking about kids’ feelings with them can change their behavior and their development.
This free and simple (but not always EASY) tool is the first one our Houston professionals teach to play therapy parents and in our Houston parent classes. If you missed the first post in the series, you can find it here https://www.houstonfamilytherapyassociates.com/blog/how-empathy-helps-children
How to Let Your Child Know You Understand How They’re Feeling: What Houston Play Therapists Want You to Know
In short, using a skill called reflective responding lets you hold up a figurative mirror to let your child know that you understand how they’re feeling. When you do this, they start to put words to it for themselves. Understanding is the first big step to managing big feelings, no matter how tall we are.
Helping Houston Parents Understand Feelings
As hard as it might be, stick just with the feelings you’re seeing your child express: “you’re really mad at me,” “that made you happy!” or “oh, no, you’re scared!.” Now, just say what they’re feeling accompanied by a look and tone of voice that show you’re joining your little one without overwhelming them or seeming like they should NOT be feeling that way.
The reality is that they are feeling it, so it makes it true. It does not mean that it’s okay for them to be doing wrong things like hitting or breaking. It probably means that they can’t really do anything different in that moment. Understanding their feelings does not excuse misbehavior. It is just a place to start with what comes next in the conversation.
What Therapists Know about Kids’ Emotions
Because here’s the thing. Lots of therapists who use different theories have discovered that validating emotions by naming them really help us. First, it reduces shame. If you’ve followed Dr. Brené Brown’s work, you know that her research shows that empathy is the antidote to shame, or feeling like you’re not good enough. And no parent we know wants their child to feel that way.
Other strategies for helping kids who lose control easily start with validating those emotions. We can become so stressed/embarrassed/angry when a tantrum takes hold that we can feel desperate to make it stop. But once in full-outburst mode, it’s virtually impossible for a young child to stop themselves. In these moments, one solid strategy is to be sure they’re safe, stay close, and just be there for them and let them know you understand how they feel. You may nod, make eye contact and say little, or you might try repeating what they’re saying to you until they hear that you’re hearing THEM. “You really want to go outside.” “I hear you.” “You really want to play outside.” “I get it.” Over and over, until you see them start to calm. This may take a while. But once they start to calm, you can actually help.
This is not the time to start telling them why what they’re doing is not acceptable. It is the time to continue to be calm and caring, and let them know you’re there for them. Once they can hear you, you can help make a plan for when going outside IS going to be okay. “You really want to play outside, and we will. First, we will eat dinner, and then we’ll come out before bathtime. Do you want to play ball or ride your bike then?” Listen, respond, and then move it along to getting ready for dinner. Just by setting the limit on going outside and stopping them from hitting the door in protest, you’ve shown them some important things:
Their feelings are valid and accepted, even if what they’re doing is not okay.
You’re there to let them know what’s okay and to keep them (and everybody else) safe
You’re somebody who understands and you can help them through this moment
That limits exist and you have confidence in their ability to follow them
Kids’ Tantrums Can Overwhelm Them and Their Parents
Children who tend to have frequent explosive outbursts overwhelm their parents and everyone else around them. As a result, they’re often given a lot more deference than is helpful, because the whole family is tiptoeing around, trying to avoid the next tantrum. Sometimes parents go in the opposite direction, getting stricter and stricter, until there’s nowhere else left to go and nothing else to take away.
There’s Another Way–And it Works
Believe it or not, what we know is that validating a child’s experience, just by verbally empathizing with them, is the first step toward emotional regulation. This is the cornerstone of powerful techniques for helping kids learn new ways of coping with huge emotions and is the opposite of what we tend to think we should do, which is to distract/avoid or to punish. Children need validation before change can happen.
This is hard work. Joining someone you care about in a big feeling is painful. And vulnerable. And it takes time. But we’ve seen, over and over again in our practice, the genuine connection and strength that empathy gives children and their parents.
If you want to know more about empathizing or get individual ideas for your family’s situation, give us a call at (713) 936-0633. We’re here to help, and we want to teach you the good stuff we know.