Limit Setting
Knowing how and when to set limits with your children is one of the questions parents ask the most. It’s a child’s job to test limits, and we talk about why that is here. Sometimes as a parent, though, I wished my kids weren’t so darn good at this job.
Depending on your child’s age and personality, you may find yourself setting limits all the time or, on the other end of the continuum, being surprised when the need comes up.
Setting boundaries with children
There are lots of reasons we avoid setting limits as parents. It can feel mean to set boundaries for your children. Sometimes it stops them from doing things they really want to do. They also don’t tend to love them, and the act of setting limits can absolutely set off big disagreements, making the regular routine feel harder.
When we disagree, we lose some of the connection we all want with our kids. No parent I know signed up for a day-in-and-day-out struggle about putting on socks.
Why set limits with kids?
The thing I always tell parents, though, is that setting boundaries with children helps them. It lets them know what to expect, it gives them structure, and knowing that the tall people in charge are going to help you do the right thing is comforting. Even when they don’t know they’re feeling supported or act like they’re comforted.
Setting boundaries doesn’t always mean that your kids are in trouble! Just giving them some parameters is a form of limit-setting and serves the same function of providing them security and safety. For example, regular bedtimes and predictable routines are a way of setting limits, believe it or not. They set you and your children up for predictability, practice, and mastery.
Limit Setting with Children
What limits should you set and what’s the best way to do it?
In general, choose boundaries and have expectations that go along with what your family values. At a minimum, I encourage parents to set limits on aggression (of any type) and destruction. This isn’t a hard sell, most parents say an automatic NO to hitting, for example. It gets a little trickier with verbal aggression, and even more complicated with behaviors like disrespectful reactions to parent requests like eye rolling. Because as much as we would love to be able to stop those behaviors, we don’t actually have control over anything going into or coming out of others’ bodies. You can only set expectations and redirect behaviors that don’t work while offering alternatives that do work.
Another reason to set a limit for children in your family might be to emphasize a family value like spending time together, say at dinner. While we can’t force our kids to eat by chewing the food for them, we can require them to spend time at the table and then engage them while they’re there. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate–for younger children 10 minutes might be all they can manage, while teens are able to spend much longer.
When the limits you’re setting are based on solid ground, you’re more likely to be confident and more relaxed when you’re reinforcing them. All of this makes you more effective.
ACT limit setting
A strategy child therapists use was developed by the leaders in our field and involves three simple (but not always easy!) steps: A = Acknowledge the feeling (“I know you don’t want to take a bath”), C = Communicate the limit (“and, it’s time for your bath.”). Finally, T = Target an alternative that’s acceptable to you (“Would you like to take your bath in your tub or mine/with bubbles or no/for 7 minutes or for 10 minutes?”)
This approach is different because we start where the child is and acknowledge how they’re feeling about the limit we’re setting. We also are super clear and calm as we’re stating the limit. This is when it’s so helpful to have thought through what your limits are and why you’re setting them. For example, here, you’ve set a schedule based on when your little one needs to get to sleep, and bath time needs to happen within a certain window for them to succeed in that. You’ve decided that you value your child having enough rest so they have the best chance of having a great day the next day, along with all the other benefits of sleep for kids, and so you’re clear that the bath needs to happen now.
The alternatives really are set up as true alternatives, real choices that are small enough for small kids and ones that they really get to decide about. This gives them a chance to practice decision-making and gives them a voice in a world that typically decides everything for them.
You can set effective limits with your kids!
It’s not always easy, but when you know how much it helps them, know why you’re setting boundaries, and have some tools to use, it can feel more manageable.
For an in-depth discussion about limit setting, check out our parent course, Parenting with Purpose. It’s an online course you can take at your convenience. I teach you the tools I’ve learned as a child therapist, so you can use them on purpose to make your parenting feel more effective and help you be more connected to your children.