Five Things to do When Your Kid is Driving You Crazy
It’s summer in Houston, schools are out, and all the time we wanted to have with our families is HERE. And sometimes it’s hard. You still have work, chores, shopping, and planning to get done. Your kids want you, only you, and not any of the activities that you’ve set up to keep them busy until you can hang out with them. You’re trying to get it all done, and there’s not enough patience to keep it together when they’re arguing, crying, trying to get more iPad time and/or dumping out all the toys for the 13th time that morning.
You don’t want to yell, you can’t leave, and you’re just not sure what else to try. Here are five ideas for making it through the moment with your sanity and relationship intact.
Put yourself in time out. When we try to do too much, and our kids are demanding on top of it, we can get so frustrated we lash out. Next time, push pause, take a breath, step away for 10 minutes and just chill. Things might look more manageable when you reengage.
Give them 30 seconds. One of the best techniques we teach in our parent class is called a 30-second burst of attention. Next time your child is having a hard time not having all of your focus, stop, set aside what you’re doing right then, and turn toward your child. Get on their level, make eye contact, and say, “I’m here. What do you need?” Nine times out of 10, it’s a quick comment, request, or maybe a need for a hug. You may not even need 30 seconds to give them what they need. After, say to them, “okay, I’m going back to what I was doing,” stand up, and continue with your task. The undivided attention can soothe them and make you feel less frantic as you’re trying to juggle multiple competing demands
Figure out the feeling. Adult communication is more transactional; we ask questions, we give answers. Kids tend to be less direct, in part because they’re not as wired for verbal communication as we are. But they give us lots of cues about how they’re feeling, and when we let them know we understand, it can help them calm down and feel better. So next time your child keeps arguing with you about something that seems tiny to you, look at their face--are they looking sad? Tired? Angry? Tell them how you think they’re feeling with a short sentence: “you look mad.” Don’t question, don’t distract, don’t punish, just be with them in that feeling. It can feel great to have someone you love empathize with you, no matter how old you are, and sometimes it just takes all the tension out of a situation or leads away from an argument into a conversation. Even if it doesn’t, empathizing with your child is one of THE most powerful things you can do for them.
Just breathe. We know, you’ve probably heard this one too many times to count, and you may have tried it that many times, too. But deep breathing, taking in a lot of air and then letting it out slowly, tells your brain you’re safe, and it can slow down your responses until you have what you need to keep your cool. Even five deep breaths can really give you a pause you need so you can figure out your next best step.
“If they’re crabby, put them in water.” This is one of our favorite pieces of advice from author and illustrator Sark in her illustration, How to Really Love a Child. If they’re underfoot while you’re trying to cook, let them wash the plastic cups at the sink or in a big bowl on a beach towel away from the stove. Or move everybody outside into the sprinkler, or start bath time earlier than your typical routine. Some play time in water might be the reboot you all need to make the day feel more manageable.
The common thread in all of these strategies is stepping back from the situation to give yourself some time, some space, and maybe a new look at the interactions. We know the last thing your children want is to be in trouble with you, and that you don’t love to lose your cool (not to mention it doesn’t usually help in the long run). Parenting is hard, and we’re here for you.